One of the few cons in my country took place just this weekend and that along with all the reports (from both staff and visitors) got me thinking about the unsure relationship between cons and me – about my part in the whole scheme of our convention sphere. The whole thought process caused me to stop worrying about integrals and low productivity and spurred me to sit down and write what could be called a reflective essay. Expect this post to be personal, a bit pathetic and heavily marked with my tendency to over-think everything.
I attended my first con in May 2007. Back then I was an aspiring cylon – a term introduced by one the country’s best panelists and immediately adopted by a group of enthusiastic con-goers, who now call themselves Cylons. A cylon (name taken from Battlestar Galactica, of course) is best recognized from their con program sheet, where they have marked the panels/workshops/events they want to visit, sometimes even with a priority rating. And they will really go through with their plan, attend all they can and probably take notes. I think this was and still is one of my favorite phases.
Next I evolved into a member of staff. I started going to weekly meet-ups with some of the local otaku and gracefully slipped into the role of the cashier and the odd-job girl. I enjoyed it! It lets you experience a whole different side of the convention. You’re not worrying about being late for a panel by day and finding a place to sleep by night. You’re running around doing everything from collecting garbage to screening anime by day and preparing the second day’s events by night. Forget about sleep.
I’m currently in the third stage. Remember that convention I mentioned above the break? I didn’t go to that one. I didn’t to go the con in September either. The same applies for the one in summer. I’ve come to the point where I feel uncomfortable among enthusiastic people, well children, half my age, who keep screaming and screeching about their favorite anime/manga/character, about how 「かわいい」 something is… I am no longer willing to abandon the hope for at least four hours of sleep every night. So I spent the weekend doing schoolwork.
Why don’t I do panels? Why don’t I cosplay? Why don’t I participate in various competitions? Why don’t I participate on any level?
The above questions are in fact closely tied to the reason I set up this blog. I’m not eager to get up on stage in front of… well, any number of humans. I consider myself prettier than average and with mere 70 kilos on my 185 cm skeleton I don’t exactly qualify for the often heard/read “I’m too fat to measure up to the idealized characters and professional cosplayers” excuse. However cosplay is similarly unthinkable as a panel. Nevertheless, from behind my cute anime icon I shall gladly impart my wisdom unto you. I want to compete hidden behind my avatar. I want to create AMVs for our biyearly contests. I want to write a visual novel for the unofficial (because of insufficient number of entries) ren-ai contest. But alas, I am extensively unpersevering, unindustrious,… Simply said, I am a lazy procrastinator.
I’ve reached the point where I just don’t want to bother with things like that anymore. Often I’ll say that maybe I’ve gotten too old for this and my older otaku friends laugh at me.
You have witnessed my reflection and I have come to the conclusion that I should get my priorities straight and finally start working towards the things (I dare not call them goals) I want to accomplish.
Feel free to share your thoughts on con-going, public displays of otaku-ness or my attitude.